Give up?

Bismillah, In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful.

Ok kalau ikut plan asal sepatutnya aku nak menyiapkan draft draft post yang dah berapa lama tah tertangguh, but just suddenly I wanted to talk about random things. So here I am hahaha.

Dua hari lepas, boleh nak kata hari menggembirakan untuk family aku, especially abah. Abah dapat Anugerah Perkhidmatan Cemerlang. Macam mama kata, "Tahun lepas mama dapat, tahun ni abah pulak." I am a proud daughter hehe. Tapi bukan itu yang aku cuba sampaikan. Bila abah balik tu, aku tengok je wajah abah. Aku kagum sangat, dengan semangat dan kesungguhan abah.

Look at my man up there hehe <3

Aku teringat raya yang lepas, aku duduk and berbual dengan makcik (adik abah).  

Apa yang makcik kata masih terngiang-ngiang dalam kepala aku. "Yaya tahu kenapa abah marah sangat kalau yaya tak belajar sungguh-sungguh?" Aku menggelengkan kepala. 

Aku nampak wajah makcik tersenyum, seolah-olah mengimbau kenangan. Makcik kata "Kami dulu bukan orang senang, yaya. Abah kamu tu anak sulung, dia rasa itu tanggungjawab dia untuk mengubah nasib keluarga. Kami dulu belajar dengan nyalakan lilin je waktu malam. Kamu tahu, mak (nenek) kamu tu bukan reti membaca pun, jadi waktu malam tu kalau kami malas nak belajar, kami boleh je nak bukak je buku tu, acah acah belajar sebab mak bukan tau pun. Tapi abah kamu tak pernah ambil kesempatan, dia serious belajar hingga pukul 2-3 pagi. Kalau dia ngantuk, dia minta mak sediakan satu bekas air yang berais. Dia akan rendam kaki dia dalam tu sambil belajar. Mak pulak, happy tengok abah belajar, mak sediakan makanan, snek semua tu untuk abah kamu untuk dia makan time belajar."

Aku terdiam, sampai macam tu sekali usaha abah belajar... setiap malam..... Time tu memang macam sentap gila. Patutlah.. abah sangat strict bila bab belajar. Abah marah kalau nampak kitaorang main main, kalau result teruk. Dulu time sekolah rendah aku lah tu yang selalu kena rotan sebab malas belajar and result teruk hahahahhaha. Masuk form 4 baru macam serious sikit belajar. Kalaulah aku sedar awal lagi........

Bukan time belajar je, even time kerja sekarang pun aku boleh nampak abah stay up siapkan kerja hingga pukul 2 pagi. While aku pukul 10 malam pun dah bising mengantuk belajar. Berapa banyak kerja part time abah pun aku tak tau. Bukan tu je, walaupun banyak cabaran abah untuk siapkan PhD, abah sakit, take a lott of time untuk recover, but still even after 10 years, abah still berusaha and siapkan PhD tu. Kalau lah ada orang tanya siapa idola aku, dengan laju aku akan sebut abah. Abah, orang yang membuktikan kepada aku yang kejayaan hanya akan dicapai dengan usaha.

So, dear nadia in the future, if you are having a hard time with your study and your life, remember how hard abah studied to achieve what he has now. If you want to give up, ask yourself, have you struggle enough to say 'I give up'? Look at abah, nadia. Abah tak pernah bagi excuse untuk berusaha. Heads up, nadia. You can do this, I believe you can. Take a deep breath, and may Allah ease your journey.

p/s; This post is written to encourage myself, sebab aku takut kalau lah aku pilih untuk berputus asa. You know, that kind of random thoughts yang tetibe across my mind malam malam ni. Aku harap post ni boleh menyedarkan diri sendiri haha. Moga moga.

NY.

14072018.

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Late night thoughts.

So.. hi? I didn't really have any plan to write anything tonight (or morning i guess?) since it has been a while since I write and I also deleted all my posts few months back (plus i have plenty uncompleted drafts) but I suddenly want to share something after i made some muhasabah (reflection) just now about how I survived when I even had a glimpse of thought to give up. 

Few weeks back, things were really really hard on me that I don't know what to do, who to rely on. The situation itself didn't allowed me to share it with everyone. I even experienced the worst feeling ever which was I felt so distant from Him, our Creature. I easily cried even me myself realized it was such a simple and small matter, didn't worth my tears to be honest. I became overly sensitive. As I went through my slump, I knew things wouldn't get better if I just stay idle by my own. I started to tell myself that I NEED A CHANGE; and of  course I should start with improving my amalan; such as bangun qiam semua tu. I remember one day, I suddenly woke up at 4.30 a.m (padahal stay up study kot malam tu) and I didn't feel sleepy at all. Then I knew so I told myself 'Allah kejut qiam tu, so pergi amik wuduk ok.' On my first rakaat of taubat, suddenly my lips trembled and tears began to fall. You know, the mix feeling when you remembered your past bad deeds, your parents, your family,  how thing suddenly goes wrong (plus the feeling of missing your family, well call me anak mak, im proud to be one hehe) and you couldn't do anything about it. So, the only thing you can do is to beg for His mercy to help you. In my sujood, I cried and told Him that it was way too hard for me, I couldnt bear it. You know, just tell Him how much you suffer, how you reallllllly want Him to help you. Share with Allah how you only have Him in your life, that you could rely on.

As time passes, Allah showed me HOW POWERFUL OUR DUAs ARE. It wasn't just a myth or fairytale. Allah said it in the quran, remember?

"And your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you." Indeed, those who disdain My worship will enter Hell [rendered] contemptible." [Quran, 40:60]

Allah  promised us that HE WILL respond to our duas, our cries. Strangely, I managed to solve all my problems, one by one and Alhamdulillah, I know that I could never done this if Allah didn't give His permission. All those so-called-hard-things turn into such a simple thing to handle in just a blink of eye. And just now, one of my biggest fear and worry just fade away. With just a sentence that came out from my friend's mouth. 

Well, I came to realized that having all those ujian in our life is not bad after all. That's how you will come to fitrah again, that's how you will know your mistakes and will eventually learn from it. Betullah, ujian tu tanda Allah sayang, kan? Allah boleh je nak biar kita tenggelam dengan dosa dosa kita but instead, He give us ujian(s) to let us know, that He always there for us to rely and return to. There are a lot of hikmah why all those things happened to us, it's just us who need to find what is it.

So, head up and smile, everyone! Believe in Allah's words. 

“So verily, With every difficulty, there is relief. Verily, With every difficulty, there is relief” [Quran, 94:5-6]

 NY.

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14122017.